The quick answer it’s probably not! When you are not handling conflict effectively you enter into a state called diffuse physiological arousal. This was coined by marriage researcher John Gottman. It’s the state where your heart rate elevates an your logic goes into the tank. What this basically means is when you’re not handling conflict well, you get stupid and your partner probably does to. So imagine that, you’re both now acting stupidly trying to solve some of the most difficult problems in your relationship. If that’s how you want to go through your life then stop reading now, but I can tell you there is a better way.
Think about this, it takes about 15 to 20 minutes away from conflict for your heart rate to de-escalate so that you can get back to having a reasonable conversation with one another. It’s only then that you can address the issue with your best mind. If you want to know the telltale signs of your partner shutting down, we can help you with that b
y providing a conversation guide that lists the various things your partner willdo when they’re not handling conflict very well.
All of this comes from an advanced assessment. It’s a critically important to understand these things because conflict tears relationships apart every day and if you don’t learn to deal with conflict well you will end up fighting about things that are unimportant that cause greater problems and push you further apart as a couple and frankly, that is a tragedy. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen couples divorce using non-material conflict issues as an EXCUSE because they didn’t want to work ON their partnership they just wanted to work IN it.
Often the collateral damage includes innocent children whose lives are affected forever. This does not have to happen. 67% of all first marriages in the last 40 years have failed and one of the main reasons is that people never learned to deal with conflict. We are different and we’d better get used to it. In fact opposites attract so the most natural thing in the world for opposites to do is have conflict. Check out STOP GUESSING: FOR COUPLES to get a handle on using conflict well in your relationship.